HOW DEATH CAN AFFECT A WRITER'S LIFE:
I have been writing novels since about two years before I retired in 2020. You can see them all if you click on the picture of them to the left. My life has been very stable and this, of course, makes writing very easy. Writing novels gave my life a certain structure and routine that can disappear when one retires from the workplace.
I moved to central Florida to get away from the craziness of Broward County, Florida, and had two family members close by. My brother lives in Orlando, which is only an hour away, and my cousin Michael moved up to live in my town and only lived two blocks away. My cousin and I had been close my entire adult life, and had gotten closer in the last five or six years. He was my anchor in this area of Florida. I have always been a "family person".
My other relative living close by is my brother Bill who lives in Orlando. It's only about an hour or so away and we met at least monthly for lunch and to catch up.
In the first week of April, my cousin Michael showed signs of not being able to finish his sentences. This happened overnight. I was with him the week before this and he was fine; better than fine. His speech was perfect and his memory was still 10 times better than mine.
After having to wrestle with him to go to the emergency room, he was diagnosed with brain cancer, and had 5 tumors that were inside his head. The prognosis was not good. My heart was broken for him, but I had to jump into caretaking mode, and that is a physically and mentally demanding role. In other words, there's no time for crying or falling to bits and pieces. I was raised as an Irish stoic of the highest order, and we don't collapse into tears until the mission, whatever that is, is completed.
So I and Michael's sister -- who immediately flew down from the northeast -- started preparing his house to have in-home hospice. His house had fallen to bits and pieces over time. A few weeks before this diagnosis, he had banned me from coming inside. He said it was because it was messy and he didn't want me to see. I am a bit of a neat freak, so I said I understood. However, the house showed signs that it wasn't just a mess; he had lost the ability to take care of himself and his cat. He just hid it well.
Living two blocks away from where Michael would be with hospice, my house filled up with cousins and spouse-helpers. We ran all over town preparing to have Michael discharged and brought home for in-house hospital.
While signing up my cousin for county services, he fell while walking with us and hit his head. This fall suddenly changed everything. He was taken by the paramedics and arrangements were made to have him go to a hospice facility. Instead of needing in-house hospital, he would spend the next two and a half weeks in the hospice facility before he passed away.
The hospice he was in was beautiful, clean, and everyone who worked there was wonderful. We found it through Marion County Services, E.W. & Lucille Cates House, and it was wonderful. The people who worked in the hospice system were all compassionate people who had been called to this type of work -- which is not easy. I am eternally grateful to them for how lovingly they took care of Michael in his last weeks.
SHOCK AND THE CREATIVE MIND:
During this time, my creative mind shut off. I don't think this is unique to me. I assume this would occur with anyone, especially when you are dealing with caretaking and/or grief. Writing was put not only on the back burner, but the pot was set off on a resting pad for an unknown time in the future.
I did continue my marketing, as my marketing is on semi-autopilot and it is as easy as copying and pasting onto the sites and takes less than 30 minutes. This routine at least kept me tethered to the book author in me.
STRENGTH THROUGH FAITH:
Raised Catholic and having embraced the faith myself many years ago, this has given me a softer view of death because I know it's not the end. My cousin, as well as the other family members who went before him and who I still miss, are with the Lord and I believe that I will see them all again. I liken it to being in the world, which is like Disney World, and they got tired and went back to the hotel room. I'm still in the park but I know they are not that far away and I will see them again.
We had our priest come and pray with Michael before he passed, and my cousin and I said a Rosary at his bedside the night before he died. So I take great comfort knowing that we were with him until the end. He drifted off to Heaven without any pain. I consider this, even in spite of the shocking and sudden diagnosis and loss, the blessing of a painless death.
ANOTHER LOSS:
About a week after Michael's passing and cremation, my brother announced he will be moving down to Hollywood, Florida to be closer to his children. That's about five or six hours from where I live. Suddenly, my second family anchor is disappearing. This made me feel more unanchored than I felt losing my best buddy and cousin, Michael.
FINDING A NEW NORMAL:
I know from past losses that there will always be a new normal. I also know I have to be willing to go through the painful and scary feelings of being lost and untethered before I can find that new normal.
I spent two weeks after Michael passed away running around and taking care of the 'business side of death' which involves lots of calls and running around.
During this time, I opened my last book, and wasn't even sure where I was with things. I write in Scrivener, so it didn't take long to find my place and figure out where I was in the story. I managed to pick up where I last was and wrote a few chapters on the same story. This restored my faith in being able to continue on with my writing.
PLUGGING ALONG:
As an author I am plugging along, but things are still slow and I'm still quite distracted by the grief and losses. Losing my two family members, one to death and one to Hollywood, Florida, led me to buying a minivan to build out as a camper van. I am intending to become a part time campervan traveler. This way, I can visit my other family members who reside in different places all up and down the east coast.
I'm still in the planning and layout stages, but I want to build a minivan where I can continue writing and visiting family. I still feel heavy with grief, but I feel hopeful for the future. I can see the glimmer of a new normal. I'll keep you all posted!
